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Strength and Weakness: Psychotherapy and Spiritual Growth
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2.Cor. 12:9 "We have a preference for feeling bad but strong rather than feeling weak and afraid." Harry Guntrip, Psychoanalyst
Our culture demands of us to be strong, and many comply with this demand by building up a strong defence against weakness. This in spite of the apostolic knowledge and also in spite of Jesus' call:" Unless you turn and become like children you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matth. 18:3)
Many people suffer because of such defences. They suffer because they realize that the love they want to give and the love they want to receive in their relationships are not as fulfilling as they have hoped for. Also their relationship to God suffers because of that. The longing for the presence of God in their life is again, not as fulfilling as it is promised. This conflict between the demands of culture for being strong and the exhortation to be weak in order to embrace the kingdom of God inflicts great pain.
Psychodynamic psychotherapy is often an effective means to find creative solutions to these opposing demands. It is not a cure from all human suffering; it is not a substitute for the unsatisfied longing for the presence of God; it is not a guarantee of the "happy life" of today's consumer society. On the other hand it is a legitimate path to explore emotional defences and allows the client to become "weak" in order to surrender to the will of God and to live authentically within the demands and requirement of culture.
The therapeutic relationship between the therapist and the client is built on trust and faith. The client learns to allow another person to participate in his inner life and to share all the experiences he had with past and present relationships. He discovers in time that the defence pattern he had to build up in order to survive bad and destructive relationships in the past are not necessary any longer and actually contribute to his negative views of life. Over a period of time he can learn to let his defences down in order to approach others with openness and without.
People have learned to protect themselves from bad relationships by withdrawing emotionally. We build up a wall to protect the part of ourselves that is hurting and become afraid to engage in any serious relationships because we remember the pain from the past hurts. We become excessively withdrawn and function well below our innate capabilities, and suffer under low self-esteem. Or we may become aggressive, angry, domineering and self-righteous. Defences against weaknesses can appear in many shapes and forms including substance abuse and other psychosomatic symptoms.
It is the fearful and frightening part of the person that psychotherapy wants to address and focus on. It is not a therapy to cure defects or deficiencies, but it is an approach to reach into the soul of the client with gentleness and care. The therapeutic relationship provides a primary experience of a caring and nourishing relationships that replaces slowly the memory of a relationship that has been cruel and destructive.
Harry Guntrip was not only an influential British psychoanalyst but also originally a member of the Salvation Army and later a Methodist minister. Like Ludwig Bingswanger he saw the intimate connection between pastoral care and psychodynamic therapy. His word quoted above implies that it is easier for many people to sin than to face inner fears and weaknesses. Such sin is merely a defence against weakness but it is powerful enough to cause people to destroy what they love. It is also this fear of weakness that does not allow a humble surrendering to the will of God.
Psychotherapy and spiritual growth complement each other. The former aims at the liberation from fear over weakness while the later wants to use this weakness to be able to increase the ability to love and to receive the love of God as well as the love of other people.
Rules of Engagement
Every year, thousands of people seek professional counselling from therapists, social workers, or clergy.
When people first seek help, they may know little about the nature and practice of counselling. That's why, for their own protection, it is important that they understand and respect a few basic "rules of engagement" regarding the caregiver-client relationship. Born of many years of experience, these rules of engagement are designed to establish and maintain the integrity of the relationship and prevent it from being undermined or disrupted by unforeseen forces. Because of the often emotionally intense and intimate nature of counselling, both the client and the caregiver need to be protected from several potential pitfalls.
People who seek professional help are struggling with emotional and spiritual conflicts in their lives; invariably, they will transfer this struggle onto the caregiver. The caregiver's primary responsibility is to receive the client with an emotional openness and hospitality that conveys that he is willing and able to focus his attention on the client's needs.
Because of the regular emotional demands that are made of caregivers, they need to establish a balance between their emotional availability to their clients and their own personal emotional space and well being. On the one hand, if caregivers allow themselves to be overtaken by the emotional demands of their clients, they are no longer helpful to them. If, on the other hand, they are too emotionally distant and overprotective of their own space, they are not able to fully give of themselves to their clients. If caregivers do not find the right distance between their emotional space and the emotional needs of their clients, the care giving relationship is doomed to fail.
Over many years, caregivers have developed rules of engagement in their work with their clients in order to provide safe but effective professional care. In addition to psychotherapists and their clients, the following rules might also usefully apply to clergy who work with their parishioners:
1. Both client and caregiver know beforehand the time and place of the encounter and the amount of time that is available.
When a client first approaches a caregiver, he or she has usually spent a long period of soul-searching. The decision to seek help is an act of courage that deserves special attention and respect. A time and place is agreed upon in order to provide a respectful treatment of the client and the issues he or she is going to discuss. Ad hoc meetings should take place only in rare cases because both client and caregiver need the time to prepare for the upcoming encounter.
Once the time and the meeting place are set, the length of the meeting also needs to be established. This is important for the caregiver so that he or she can forget all other responsibilities in order to be fully available for this particular client during this set amount of time. For the client, it is important to know how much time is available in order to focus his or her full attention on the issues at hand.
2. Both sides understand that a professional service is going to be provided.
Both participants must acknowledge that care giving is professional service, not a friendly "social call." During a professional visit, the client needs to talk about issues that are normally not discussed during a conventional social visit.
The client is encouraged to speak openly about whatever comes to his or her mind. It is the responsibility of the client to speak as freely as possible so that the caregiver is able to understand both the client's inner and outer worlds. It is the responsibility of the caregiver to serve as a non-judgmental and empathic listener. The only restriction to the client's self-expression is that he or she does not become physically violent or destructive.
3. A fee schedule is discussed.
In advance of the first session, the caregiver should establish with his or her client the expected fee. For clients, this is important: by paying for the service, they are taking personal responsibility for their own well being. Although a client's current suffering often stems from victimization by others, it is ultimately the personal responsibility of the client to find resolution and healing. When clients are willing to pay for the service, they are showing that they are motivated to take the initiative, make a sacrifice, and break the cycle of victimization. For people who have limited financial resources, these rules can be modified. But it remains important that clients invest in their own well being in order to build a sense of dignity, self-worth and healing.
For parishioners seeking help from clergy, a fee is not normally charged. But as responsible members of their parish, the decision to invest in themselves and their own well being should be acknowledged, valued and supported.
4. The caregiver maintains his or her emotional neutrality.
It is important that the caregiver's personal life, current circumstances and personal views are not part of the discussion. His or her own personal feelings and thoughts are not relevant unless they are specifically helpful to the client.
The caregiver's neutrality not only protects him, but also the client. Under neutral conditions, the client can openly voice all his fantasies, assumptions, and negative as well as positive feelings about the caregiver. The unfolding dialogue will then help shed light on the client's state of mind, his view of himself, his past experiences, and most likely what brought him to seek help in the first place.
The neutrality must not be viewed as aloofness or as a refusal to be engaged in the process, but as a tool to facilitate the client's self-expression. For example, the caregiver does not respond to "negative" feelings defensively or with retaliation. Neither does he respond to "positive" feelings of affection, or even love, with his own emotional reactions. Whatever the client expresses during a session is not acted upon but instead used to gain insight into the client's world.
5. The caregiver discusses difficult encounters with an experienced peer and/or supervisor.
What the caregiver experiences during encounters with clients can range from deeply touching to extremely painful. Following a particular encounter, the caregiver may wrestle with its emotional impact for hours, even days. In such cases, he is strongly advised to take his responses to someone who can help him uncover the deeper meaning of the encounter.
Among other things, he can learn different ways of relating and responding to the client the next time around. It is important that any discussion of the session with the client with a third party remain strictly private and confidential. It is best not even to mention the name of the client.
6. The confidentially of the encounter is strictly maintained.
In order to protect the client and the professional integrity of the caregiver, the confidentiality of any professional encounter must be strictly maintained. Even close friends, trusted relatives and partners ought not to be contacted. If the caregiver feels under intense stress, he needs to talk to his supervisor in order to find the roots of the intensity within himself. By involving only a trusted third party, the caregiver increases his own emotional depth and usefulness to his clients.
Conclusion
These "Rules of Engagement" allow caregivers to see many people in their professional capacity and yet still give individual clients the special respect and attention that they require. The boundaries they have established between themselves and their clients allows them to remain emotionally available and resourceful, and yet distant enough to allow them to invest their emotional energy on a creative life outside the office.
For clients, the observations of these rules are equally important. In the midst of the feelings of vulnerability that brought them to seek help, their integrity is respected. Furthermore, the boundaries that are established between a client and a caregiver allow the client to establish his own boundaries in his personal relationships; in the process, he learns to respect the boundaries of others as well.
Herbert Harms is a Chaplain and Psychotherapist practicing in Toronto.
Posted by editor on September 30, 2003 10:12 AM